Hope

My apologies for writing so much about my infertility woes... As I was writing to a friend just a few minutes ago, I realize that I tend to blog when I'm in the dumps. I need to do a better job of running to the computer when I am joyful! Which is what brings me here tonight, thankfully.

I am impatient. I pray a LOT for another baby. I worry. I get sad, very sad. But more and more, I am filled with hope. A funny thing happened the other day. We met a few of our neighbors just a few houses down. Kids were running around, riding bikes, playing in the water. There were two mothers outside sitting on lawn chairs in the driveway watching it all. We introduced ourselves. They pointed out which kids were theirs.

One gal was obviously pregnant. Andy asked, "When's the big day?" Her response: "July 18."

My heart skipped a beat. That would have been my due date. Exactly. When I found out I was expecting, I made Andy a card. It was my way of telling him the news. I told him it was just another design I had been working on for someone. He reluctantly acted interested. This is what he read:

Notice the date.

Instead of feeling sick and depressed, I felt joy. Even though I just met these people, I have no idea what their religion is, I blurted out that her due date would have been mine as well. I felt that it was a bit uncomfortable but didn't care. I continued, "It's ok. God brought me to you so that I could hold your baby." I thought, how great it will be to see him/her grow up. I didn't look at it from my usual pessimistic perspective. No, it won't be a constant reminder of what I could have had. This is how God intended it. I'm excited for her, for their family.

I continue to pray. We'll continue to try. But today, I pray and thank God for the joy and peace... and hope... that He has given to me.

Waiting... kinda patiently

Those who know me best would not likely describe me as patient. This is quite possibly why God continues to place me in situations where waiting is all I can do. Right now is a particularly trying time in my life.

I had hoped by now to be able to write that we have closed and are settled in our new home. This is not yet the case. But I'm trying to be patient until it is. We think closing should happen around the end of the month.

God's second challenge for me right now: when gigi was six months old, we began trying for another. A year and a half later, still trying. Did two tiny little tests at the Center for Reproductive Medicine - a place I spent a lot of time at years ago. Two tiny tests have cost me $1100. That's not medicine. That's not inseminations. That is one blood test and one HSG (dye) test. Either prices have sky-rocketed or my memory did not serve me correctly.

So the Lord asks me to be patient. I hear it screaming at me from Psalm 27:14. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

I'm trying. But the new house is a constant reminder. Every tour we give of each room is a reminder that our plans are only temporary. When I get pregnant again, my now-studio room will be converted to nursery. The now-exercise room will then be the studio/exercise room. I envision it. Should I? Or should I accept that those rooms are what they are... and will remain that way?

Nope. I refuse to lose hope. The baby stuff now in storage will be brought out again. Adoption is still a possibility. Or a life with just the three of us wouldn't be so bad either! I just wish my heart would stop fluttering every time I think of adding to our family. I wish it wouldn't ache every time I get another 'negative.' I wish I could see other women's bellies and families grow and not wonder why they deserve it more than me.

Lord, help me be thankful. Lord, help me to not want! Let me focus on the incredible blessings you have given us - Gwen is everything I prayed for and more.

On this Father's Day, I pray for patience.

New Kids on the Block

So... we're all moved in. Finally got a chance to stop unpacking and cleaning long enough to spend some quality time with my computer. I wish I could say everything has moved smoothly through the transition, but it definitely has had its bumps.

First, one day before we started moving our things to the new home, we find out that it is a foreclosure situation and the bank will likely not let us close on the day/time we had settled on. It was the first we had heard about a foreclosure. We did go ahead with the move and sold our home as scheduled. That was about a week ago now. Currently, we are living in a home we don't own just waiting for the bank to give the ok to move forward with the transaction. I believe it is now in a short-sale process, which I hope means that it will eventually be our home but nothing is guaranteed until the last paper is signed. Every box we unpack, every purchase we make, we wonder. Will it just go back into the box? It's hard to really settle in, to meet the neighbors, to put our personal touches throughout - until it is home.

We painted only one room, Gwen's. She seems to really like it here. We put her in the room on the front of the house. The only down-side to that so far is that all of the neighborhood kids love to play... and scream... past her bedtime. So that will take some getting used to. But it's a good problem to have. Hearing kids screaming and laughing outside means that there are lots of potential life-long friends out there for Gwen. I'm looking forward to seeing her in the mix.

But hearing the new neighbors outside make me miss our old neighbors. I miss going outside and seeing familiar faces, seeing our friends. These folks all seem nice but they're still strangers. I'm not an outgoing person. I take a long time to get comfortable with new people.

I hope to post soon that closing is done, that the house is our own, that we have made new friends in our new neighborhood. I pray I will get that opportunity. Things will settle down soon and we will go wherever God leads us. We will accept whatever challenges He gives us. I have faith ♥