Life is a struggle. I know that. Things are not easy. We cannot plan everything out. We don't know, understand, or always agree with God's plan. But I try to trust in it. He has not let me down yet and I know He won't.
The Lord has blessed us. Gwen has my heart. I remember sitting in church one Sunday, years ago. The moment is burned into my memory. We were sitting towards the back of the sanctuary listening to the choir sing. A few rows in front of my sat a mother. Her son, around 7 or 8 years old at the time, hugged her arm and laid his head on her shoulder. I couldn't fight back a tear. We had been struggling with infertility for awhile at that time and as the tear fell as I asked God yet again if I would be given the chance to be a mother. I wanted to be a shoulder for my child to lean on. I wanted a child.
He blessed us!! I prayed over and over back then - I pleaded. I thought if we could have a child, I would be content. The empty feeling would go away. And it did! Gwen has filled my heart.
But after she was 6 months old, we started trying for another. As I plan for her third birthday, my heart hurts. Why does it hurt so much again? Am I ungrateful? I must be the most selfish person in the world. I try to tell myself it's not right for me to pray for another. He answered my prayers. I'm content. So why does it hurt so much? Why do I have that hollow feeling again anytime someone tells me they or someone close to them is expecting? Why do I get a lump in my throat, that weight on my chest when I see a baby bump? I really must be a selfish person. Even when I'm thrilled for the person - when it's someone I love, I'm beyond thrilled that they get the experience. But I can't help that it's an in-my-face reminder that they are. I'm not. I hate that I'm this way. This inner battle of happy to sad is really getting old. Two announcements in one day last week has really done a number on my heart. Especially after losing number five just a couple days before.
On Sunday at church, my beautiful blessing was sitting next to me. The choir was singing. She snuggled up to me, and laid her head down on my arm. I couldn't fight back a tear.
As thankful as I am, Lord, I do still pray every day. If it is your will, I pray that Gwen get to experience being a big sister. I have now said goodbye to 5 pregnancies. They're so painful, both physically and emotionally. I pray that I don't experience any more of those. Time is not as on my side as it once was. We're at a point where we either need to try harder, do more tests and medicines and procedures. Or I need to get back on the pill to ensure I just don't get pregnant anymore.
I pray for a healthy baby. I pray for a successful, full-term pregnancy. I pray for peace and to feel myself again. And I thank you for the people in my life who remind me that they're praying for me. Some are going through the same struggles. I pray for them too. I pray for all who face infertility of any kind. It hurts.