Blessed Day

On this day, the last day of the year, I remember the one two years ago. On December 31, 2009, we found out that the baby I was carrying was in fact a girl.

In the instant that I heard those words, "It's a Girl," I felt more connected and even more blessed. The planning and decorating started on that day. I obsessively looked online for nursery inspiration as now, I could narrow down my searches to PINK instead of blue. On that day, I felt that I could finally be excited (though I continued to stay a bit nervous, it's my nature). This was our little girl and in about 5 months, I would hold her in my arms.

We went through a lot to finally get to that blessed day. So many tests, needle pokes, exams, a painful dye test, pills, injections, surgery, and six Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI's). But I never, to my knowledge, lost a baby. I was worried that I would, but Gwen stayed with me. My first pregnancy. My first child.

Today, on the last day of the year 2011, I experienced losing a baby. Again. I lost a baby the day before Thanksgiving just last month. Periods were very painful for me when I was high school age. They had gotten better but it was a pain I will never forget. Last month, I announced to my husband, Andy, that another baby was on its way. My levels were low, but on track according to my calculation in comparison to my first pregnancy. Needlesstosay, we were excited. Two days later, I felt cramps that I hadn't since high school.

Those cramps returned today.

Unlike last month, I did not have the positive home pregnancy tests. I did not have the positive blood test assuring me that I was in fact pregnant. But I know I was. The symptoms were a perfect reflection of last month. And the pain now that they're gone is exactly, exactly the same.

I pray for fertility, for the ability to hold onto a pregnancy full term. I pray for the experience of being pregnant again as I never felt more healthy, happy, and beautiful as I did when I carried Gwen. She is my little miracle - God's most perfect gift to me. I don't know how my heart would have room to love another child as much as Gwen but I know it's capable, because I love the two that I have lost. So much.

I wasn't sure why I felt compelled to start a blog. That was yesterday. On this day, I know it was because God knew this was coming. And He know that writing down my thoughts would be therapeutic.

His timing for blessing us with Gwen was perfect. His timing for the next, if we are so blessed again, will be perfect. I know that. But I can't help but cry.