Sunday, June 17, 2012

Waiting... kinda patiently

Those who know me best would not likely describe me as patient. This is quite possibly why God continues to place me in situations where waiting is all I can do. Right now is a particularly trying time in my life.

I had hoped by now to be able to write that we have closed and are settled in our new home. This is not yet the case. But I'm trying to be patient until it is. We think closing should happen around the end of the month.

God's second challenge for me right now: when gigi was six months old, we began trying for another. A year and a half later, still trying. Did two tiny little tests at the Center for Reproductive Medicine - a place I spent a lot of time at years ago. Two tiny tests have cost me $1100. That's not medicine. That's not inseminations. That is one blood test and one HSG (dye) test. Either prices have sky-rocketed or my memory did not serve me correctly.

So the Lord asks me to be patient. I hear it screaming at me from Psalm 27:14. "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

I'm trying. But the new house is a constant reminder. Every tour we give of each room is a reminder that our plans are only temporary. When I get pregnant again, my now-studio room will be converted to nursery. The now-exercise room will then be the studio/exercise room. I envision it. Should I? Or should I accept that those rooms are what they are... and will remain that way?

Nope. I refuse to lose hope. The baby stuff now in storage will be brought out again. Adoption is still a possibility. Or a life with just the three of us wouldn't be so bad either! I just wish my heart would stop fluttering every time I think of adding to our family. I wish it wouldn't ache every time I get another 'negative.' I wish I could see other women's bellies and families grow and not wonder why they deserve it more than me.

Lord, help me be thankful. Lord, help me to not want! Let me focus on the incredible blessings you have given us - Gwen is everything I prayed for and more.

On this Father's Day, I pray for patience.

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